Yes,
there are some very important wine topics out there that deserve to be talked
about like ‘Up-and-Coming Regions’ and ‘Interesting Varietals to Know This
Summer!’ and scientific yadda yadda yadda yadda. SNOOZE.
GUFFAW. HARUMPH.
You know
what’s even more important? Knowing what
it would be like if the wine world was Game of Thrones.
Alright, so
clearly if we’re going to talk about Game
of Thrones and wine, you have to be a little well versed in both. If you aren’t yet read and/or watching Game of Thrones and if you aren’t yet
drinking wine, well, your life probably sucks a little bit. If you’re still enjoying The Big Bang Theory with a six pack of Blue Moon, this article will
go over your head faster than the effective presence of a laugh track.
You might
think that I’d begin with a list of corresponding characters, but it’s probably
more suitable to start off geographically.
If we’re
assuming that the world of wine is Westeros and Essos and we agree that our
premier location in the wine world tends to be thought of as Bordeaux, then…
King’s
Landing = Bordeaux
That’s right,
the most fought over land in the Game of Thrones canon would most definitely be
King’s Landing, which just so happens to be the location of the throne. Everyone wants to sit atop the power heap in
Bordeaux. We all know the controversies
that go all the way back to 1855. We’ve
seen kings rise and fall here, but the major families have stayed the
same. And if you really want an example
of the power struggle, do some quick research on the delightfully devilish
politics of recent Saint-Émilion classification clusterfucks. You know full well that some of the larger
chateaus in the region would be more than happy to straight up Wildfire their
competition in order to seize power in the next ranking. VISCIOUS doesn’t begin to describe what goes
on behind those closed doors. But more
than just that, Kings Landing sits right on the water (the Gironde). It is an industrial center, full of culture,
wealth, and interesting people. And the
rest of wine world centers around this throne.
King’s Landing is our
Bordeaux.
Winterfell
= The Mosel
The
parallels here should be somewhat obvious.
On a map, Winterfell is north of King’s Landing. It’s colder there, but it’s also still a very
important region and at times, it has warred with France (sometimes as the
oppressed, sometimes as the oppressor).
In that sense then, the Stark family is no doubt the Loosen’s and the
Mad King is no doubt Napoleon I, but we’ll get to that in a bit. The Mosel works for a number of
reasons. Those steep riverside
vineyards? The blue Devonian slate? That shit is just SO Stark family. And let’s not forget, every child born into a
winemaking family in the Mosel is gifted a Dire Wolf to help work on those
steep, riverside vineyard rows.
Dorne =
Spain and Portugal
This
should be pretty obvious. On a map,
Dorne sits below King’s Landing, and if our King’s Landing is Bordeaux then
Spain and Portugal would OBVIOUSLY have to make up Dorne. Plus come on, check out those outfits. George R. R. Martin got all that Moorish
inspiration from the south of Spain, so the wine parallel here is easy. Let’s think about rivalries for a smidge. Obviously those Sand Snakes hate the
Lannisters and all of the uppity assholes of Kings Landing (Bordeaux). They consider their fighting style and
territory to be just as great, if not better.
Oberyn was basically smashed by Cersei’s Mountain that Rides, or, I
dunno, Lynch-Bages smashes Marqués de Murrieta in pricing wars? If the metaphor is getting muddled then this
article just isn’t for you. For those of you who have read the books,
you’ll also know that Dornish wine is constantly mentioned for its
quality. This sounds pretty accurate
when we think of just how good Spanish and Portuguese wine has become in recent
years. And one of these days, a Dornish
Vintage Port is going to absolutely DESTROY a Casterly Rock botrytized
offering. “Oh but guys, why would those
two wines even be in the same category in a competition?” SHUT.
UP. Do you have any idea the
sheer amount of things we’ll have to give creative license to in order to make
this analogy work? Just go with it.
The Wall
= The 50th Parallel
The wine
world constantly talks about the sweet spots for grape growing. Look on a map, and basically all of the world’s
vineyards more or less take root between the 30th and 50th
circles of latitude (yes, they’re circles, stop calling them lines…it’s been
quite a while since we figured out the world isn’t flat). So if the wall in Game of Thrones was built
to keep out a dangerous threat from the north…what is our wine world parallel? We don’t have a giant wall built towards the
top of Europe (Thanks Reagan), but we do have our northernmost wineries that
are starting to encroach upon the status quo of accepted winemaking
regions. That is why, for the sake of argument,
the vineyards of Denmark represent the Wildlings, while Europe attempts to
maintain a wall that will keep out the encroaching White walkers…aka: Global Warming. I guess that would make the brave winemakers
of Saale-Unstrut the residents of the Night’s Watch. Or if our hypothetical wall is of a similar
length to the one from the story, then perhaps the Shadow Tower making up the
western end of the Wall, could be manned by some lovely Cider producers from
Normandy. Either way, global warming is
a bitch and the wine world is terrified of the ramifications…or…in other words:
Westeros: “Winter is Coming”
WineWorld: “Summer is Coming.”
The Iron
Islands = Italy and Greece
While
clearly we’re going to have to deviate a little on lifestyle for this one, when
it comes to power and relative importance, the Iron Islands must be considered
predominantly Italy, with some Mediterranean help thrown in for good
measure. Theon Greyjoy once said “Where
the North has its honor and the south has its chivalry, the Iron Islands has
its strength”. I’d have to agree with
the guy. There is real power in
Nebbiolo, Brunello, and the occasional 100 percent Xinomavro. These could be the names of Iron Island ships
for all we know. I’d bet you anything
that Asha Greyjoy (‘Yara’ on the show), has a kickass Santorini cliff castle
where she docks whatever ships are currently loyal to her. And you know she downs an entire bottle of
piercingly acidic Santorini right before going into battle and rip’s people’s
faces off in a similar manner. We can
call Tuscany the Pyke to keep things even, if it helps. Now technically, the Iron Islands are located
off the west coast of Westeros, which at first seems like a bad analogy of our
wine world if we’ve assigned King’s Landing to Bordeaux, but for the sake of
this highly scientific article, you’ll quickly understand that we’ll be
repositioning the Narrow Sea for our new world regions. Just be patient ya’ snotty ragamuffin nerds.
Casterly
Rock = Pauillac
This
should be obvious by now. And if
Casterly Rock is, no doubt, Pauillac, the richest AOC with certified growths
popping out the Wazoo, then that would probably make the Rothschild Family the
Lannisters. I won’t get too specific
here. And I’m not saying the Rothschilds
are bad people, however we’re going to have to assign the villains to wine
world personalities, so don’t get your winemaker panties in a bunch, okay? This is all just an exercise in your willing
suspension of disbelief. Casterly Rock
sits on a goldmine in the book series, which is why the Lannisters are equal
parts rich and equal parts unhappy (money doesn’t bring happiness Homies, just
look at Cersei, rich and alone, the Mad Queen of the Gironde Estuary). This would no doubt make Tywin Lannister
Baron Phillipe de Rothschild, and perhaps we’ll call Jaime Lannister, Éric de
Rothschild (I realize we’re getting into different wineries here, but the
family is related and most of Bordeaux is quite incestuous anyway and please
don’t make me hit you over the head with this).
You can probably throw your second through fifth growths into the
Lannister bannermen category, but we’ll let you figure out where exactly the
Léoville’s fit into the grand scheme of the Cleganes, Paynes, and Swyfts of the
world.
Oldtown =
The Growing World of Winemaker and Sommelier Certifications
In
Westeros, Oldtown is where higher learning thrives. Besides being the location of the Citadel, it
is also where braniacs like Samwell Tarly go to study the history of the world
as it were. While it might be tempting to assign it a particular wine school or
winemaking program or Sommelier training certification, it is far easier to
give it ALL of these distinctions. So
let’s just say that Oldtown, and specifically the Citadel, which is home to the
Order of Maesters, is in our case home to the order of Masters, i.e.: Maester Pycelle to Master Fred Dame, Maester
Aemon to Master Jancis Robinson (and yes I know, women aren’t allowed to be
Maesters in Westeros, but clearly the wine world is a tad more progressive when
it comes to scholarly acclaim). I guess Samwell
might be Geoff Kruth, or maybe he’s someone even younger, some up and coming
sommelier that will study wine so damn hard that he’ll discover something about
the wine world that will change everything.
Valerian Steel is the only thing that can save premox white
burgundies. Dragon Glass is the only
answer to cork taint. Etc etc.
Similarly, different Maesters can become archmaesters wherein they
specialize in different areas of expertise.
Like Archmaester Peresten, who specialized in history, or ArchMaster
Sommelier Doug Frost, who kicks serious ass in the study of spirits (though out
of context, this might frighten other Maesters, as the study of spirits sounds
eerily similar to the study of magic and the occult, which only one in a
hundred hold a link for). Either way,
Oldtown is where our smarty-pants reside, whether it be a physical university
or a digital online community.
The
Eyrie =
Switzerland
If you
think about the Eyrie’s ability to stay mostly out of conflict, and then you
think about where it’s located, you have to give the nod to Switzerland. Other than briefly having to submit their
fortified position to the Targaryen dragon’s during the reign of Aegon, they’ve
mostly been left alone to admire their hillside Chasselas vineyards from the
views of their Moon Door. But make no
mistake about it, when called up, the Knights of the Valais and Vaud will ride
to the assistance of John Snow, because as you all know, they love Snow in
Switzerland. Just like the Eyrie,
Switzerland is north of Bordeaux (King’s Landing) but still south of the Mosel
(Winterfell). And with Petyr Baelish now
pulling the strings (let’s call him, I dunno, Philippe Gex or something),
Switzerland continues to find itself on the upswing. Something fun to remember here is that
Switzerland, in keeping to itself, has also kept its wine to itself, as most of
what is made is sold in-country. But now
that the north is making a move (they have to, remember? Summer is coming), you can expect those Swiss
Bannermen to join in on a more southern encroachment in order to sell their
goods, neutrality be damned. ‘The North
Remembers’ after all, and you can’t expect them to stay neutral forever, not
with all those killer knives (sabres) they’ve been making all this time.
Highgarden
= Burgundy
I really
had to think about this one in relationship to the wine world. If Bordeaux is Kings Landing and we’re giving
equal credence to the great wine regions of the world, then where does Burgundy
fit in? On a map, if we were thinking
geographically once more, it’d have to be to the south, though if we were being
truly accurate, it would be to the southwest of Kings Landing. On a wine map, this would probably mean
Provence, or the Languedoc, but then what to do about Burgundy? Some of you probably think Burgundy should’ve
been made Casterly Rock, because if Pauillac is Casterly and Bordeaux is King’s
Landing, how can Casterly Rock be IN King’s Landing #AmIright? But Bordeaux is big so it was easy to take
one small area and think of it as Casterly, rather than to waste both Bordeaux
AND Burgundy on the auspices of the Lannister ambitions. Instead, we can go against the georgraphy
grain and think of Burgundy as our Highgarden.
Which is why…
House
Tyrell = House Leroy
This just
all makes sense. The stubborn old Lalou
Bize-Leroy is DEFINITELY Lady Olenna Tyrell, who you may or may not know was
once Olenna Redwyne from the House Redwyne of The Arbor, a region known for
producing the finest wines in the seven kingdoms. Sound familiar yet? Their house sigil is even a Burgundy grape
cluster so I mean, come on, this is effing Burgundy here people. People can go all the gaga they want over
Daenerys, but at the end of the day, it is hard to match the subtle sexiness of
the Grand Cru that is Margaery Tyrell.
Sure, Daenerys has that new world power, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t
want to pour a big glass of Margaery Conti and let her open up over the course
of the night? Sorry…got a little carried
away there. Also, real talk for a second: House Tyrell, and Highgarden, is just known
for being a very delicate place. Even
Ser Loras is known as the knight of flowers.
Do you know how difficult it is to be seen as one of the greatest
knights in the kingdom while also being called the ‘Knight of Flowers’?! Respect son.
Respect. There is also something
inherently mysterious about House Tyrell.
We never quite know what they’re up to.
They poison kings, they trick religious figures, and there is something
highly symbolic in that permanent smirk-smile that Margaery always seems to be
wearing. Much like a GC Leroy, there are
secrets being kept by the Tyrells…secrets that will open up in the glass
(provided they aren’t destroyed by Wildfire)
ACROSS
THE NARROW SEA WE SAIL!
Here’s
where things get goofy. We know that on
a map, the Narrow Sea would separate all of the regions we just described, more
or less off to the west (Westeros) while across the narrow sea we would find
our desert lands, full of dragons and free cities and little girls training to
become assassins (Essos). For this to
work with wine, we have to put our thing down, flip it and reverse it. Just switch your east and west and buckle
up. Across the Atlantic Narrow Ocean Sea
WE GO!!!
Essos =
The New World
Braavos =
Murica!!!
This
should be stupidly obvious. What two
places in the history of fiction and nonfiction brag about their “freedom” more
than America and Braavos? It’s almost as
if the slaves who overcame their Valyrian slave-lords immediately tossed their
steel into the Ragman (Boston) Harbor.
Braavos is also well known for it’s Iron Bank and this financial
standard is followed by much of the world.
The Lannisters might have a good amount of Euros in their bank and gold
under their houses, but they still take out loans in US dollars. The Titan of Braavos is LITERALLY the Statue
of Liberty, or something like that. The
wine? Also very revolutionary. Think of California as the main city, where
religious freedom and grape growing freedom is highly accepted. You want to do Pinot Noir in Temecula? Sure, go ahead. There aren’t any houses here that’ll try to stop
you. Just make that money. Braavos is a mercantile society but with
more of a free trade agreement in existence and the allowance of gold and
silver to pay for things like, oh, you know, wine futures that shouldn’t cost
that much to begin with but whatevs.
Pentos = The
Central Coast
If
Braavos is America, we can safely say that Napa and Sonoma and Oregon and
Washington and Canada basically have the top of the continent covered. The Hills of Novos are probably just the
vine-growing areas of the Columbia Valley, while the broad expanse of Braavos
itself probably makes up San Francisco as it’s city center, with the rich
surrounding areas including everything from wealthy winemakers to the rich
merchants of the Silicone Valley. These
people are so damn free…so yeah…there are a lot of millenials drinking
Biodynamic wines in between their Water Dance sword fights. Make a deposit at an Iron Bank ATM and then
head over to an Urban Winery to enjoy some Monteray Gewurz or Santa Maria
Mondeuse. I actually met a winemaker at
a Black and White party recently and I absolutely loved his Rosé, but when I
asked him what his name was he told me that a man has no name. Ugh, typical hipster. In Pentos, we can travel down the coast a
bit and find everything from killer Pinot and Chardonnay, with some outstanding
Rhone varietals to boot. The Bay of
Pentos is probably Santa Barbara. The
red priests are also quite notable there, and you can bet your ass they’re burying
some cow skulls full of manure out in those vineyards. In fact, don’t be surprised if one of these
days, some winemaker out in Paso decides to burn his daughter at the stake in
order to please the Lord of Light (I mean come on, it’s a drought). In fact, while we’re at it…let’s just get
this out of the way now:
The
Religion of R’hllor = Biodynamics
From
Melisandre’s first crazy moments with Stannis, you had to know that the people
from Demeter International were quite pleased.
The Lord of Light, the God of Flame of Shadow, while mysterious and
seemingly crazy, seems to get the job done.
And while most of us don’t understand Preparations 500 thru 508 in their
entirety, neither do these leaders really have a clue what the heck this
religion is really up to…but results are results. It’s hard to argue when a wine kicks ass or
when John Snow is brought back from the dead.
It’s hard to be an atheist in the all-consuming power of grape
resurrection. Across the Seven Kingdoms
there are red priests and priestesses hard at work: Nicolas Joly (Benerro), or Randall Grahm
(Thoros of Myr), or even Melisandre herself (Ted Lemon). This would also quite obviously make the Faith of the Seven: Regular Winemaking
Techniques. If you like to use lots of synthetic
chemicals and sulfites and bug sprays in order to ensure your wine and society
is protected, then you’re probably a winemaker of the Faith Militant. Herbicides are still heavily used in King’s
Landing, no matter how much that number might’ve gone down in recent years. You can bet your ass that the High Septon
would like nothing more than to have all of the major chateaus burn his pest
spray mark into their Double Guyot’s to ensure that the Faith of the Seven
continues ever onward. This is Catholicism
and Agnosticism at its heart. This is
the old winemakers and the new winemakers figuring out which gods provide
better results in the vineyards. It’s
why the Red Priests and Priestesses are hitching a ride on the trains of
whoever they think will end up being “The Prince Who Was Promised.” Who is Azor Ahai? Is it Chapoutier? Is it Alvaro Espinoza? Who will wield the Lightbringer and destroy
the Whitewalkers forever?
Phylloxera? Winemaking diseases? This is the religious battle being fought in
the shadows of vine disease. Titillating
isn’t it? And you can bet that as we
speak, somewhere down in the dungeons, there’s a torturer tasked with taking
revenge on Septa Unella through the use of drip irrigation on her
forehead.
The
Dothraki = South Africa
I realize
once again that we’ll be breaking some rules regarding bodies of water here,
but try to remember our world has more continents than theirs does. If we think about current levels of
importance and badassery, South Africa has to be our Dothraki Sea. I know technically that Stellenbosch and
Paarl are hardly desert climates, but there’s just something that sort of fits
here. South Africa is still an up and
coming region, but they have lots of land and lots of new potential. You see some some of these new POWERFUL
Cabernets coming at you in blind tasting competitions and you’re instantly
reminded of the power of the Dothraki calvary.
Does that make Chris Mullineux, Khal Drogo? Or would Ken Forrester better fit that
bill? Does Vergelegen know that the
riders they helped establish now fight for a new Targaryen queen? South Africa is rising quickly, and now we
find they’re wines riding across the narrow sea with new winemaking allies to
battle the old world standards. Don’t be
surprised if you see a Chenin Blanc going toe to toe with an Loire equivalent
as the last battles of the Five Kings come to a close and the New Queens begin
their engagements. Huzzah Pinotage! Huzzah Steen!
Huzzah khalasar! This would
make Cape Town Vaes Dothrak etc etc. You
get the picture yeah?
Myr =
Argentina
From here
it becomes increasingly easy to fill in the remaining cities that make up our
Game of Thrones wine world. Myr finds
itself below Pentos which is below Braavos.
Another free-thinking region, Myr specializes in very fine lace, or, in
our case, Malbec. The city has not been
overly involved in too much drama as of yet, but it’s steeped in colonial
history much like its northern neighbors…sound familiar? Like many new world regions, Argentina/Myr
was once a colony that eventually gained it’s independence and began to do
whatever the hell it wanted when it came to its various industries, because the
Valyrians/Europeans no longer controlled its winemaking outputs or what grapes
it could grow. So they gave a giant
middle finger to those who once enslaved them by reviving one of their own
noble King’s Landing grapes and doing it better than anyone from the Red Keep
could’ve ever dreamed. The best
Lannister vacation homes down in Cahors only dreams of matching the recent
spectacle of the Myriad of Myr Malbec Magic.
The altitude of many Argentinian vineyards would actually be more in
line with the Mountains of the Moon in the Vale of Arryn, but that’s okay, we
mostly satisfied our outline. Go find a
nice Torrontés and do some lace shopping.
(Torrontés and Lace is the name of my new Silver Lake restaurant
btw).
Volantis
= Chile
Volantis,
the first of the free cities, once overthrew it’s own bonds to become what it
is today. Aegon’s dragons made sure that
Volantis never teamed up with Argentina and Uruguay to make a Valyrian wine
superpower, but they continue to be a force to be reckoned with in the wine
world. In Season 1, the Vaes Dothrak
marketplace features fine wines from Volantis, the Arbor, and Dorne. Volantis is the southernmost of the free
cities, which works at least in a South American sense. Chile benefits from original rootstock in
many areas, keeping those unexpected Carménère grapes tasting original as frick
while you’re enjoying a slave prostitute on the Long Bridge with Ser Jorah
Mormont. The interesting thing about
Ser Jorah, is that he’s a lot like Carménère, suffering from Greyscale, most
belive he will go extinct. But something
tells me we haven’t seen the last of Jorah the Andal. I suspect that, much like the 6th
Bordeaux grape, he’ll return to Daenerys when she needs him most, having found
a cure for his Powdery Mildew. “I return
to you now at the turn of the tide,” he’ll say to her, as he stands there in a
gleaming white robe with his powerful staff.
And she will look at him at him and cast her Patronus, which, as it
turns out, was a Doe the entire time.
ASTAPOR =
AUSTRALIA
Ahh yes,
so we’ve come to the three great city-states of Slaver’s Bay (Though it should
be noted that the Wine Homies neither support slavery, or the idea that it was
ever great). Now technically Australia
was known more for it’s penal colony system than slavery, though that did exist
too. Great Britain, the grand colonizer
of the world, sent their ‘Unsullied’ as it were, to Australia to work for their
prison sentences. Those early vineyards
definitely had some unintended flying winemakers tilling the fields and pruning
the vines. Now obviously James Busby
wasn’t castrating any of his staff along the way (that we know of) but we can
at least have a little fun in the comparison.
The Son’s of the Harpy, who wreck so much havoc for Danny and Tyrion,
are no doubt a group of unhappy Aboriginal’s who are pissed off because duh,
they’re the aboriginal inhabitants and they’re none too pleased with these
effing European winemakers taking all the glory away from their home
country…err…ya know…something like that.
With the freedom to make good
wine, came the freedom to overreach on their style, and Australia, much like
Astapor, faced this terrible surplus a couple of years back, when they were
forced to destroy hundreds of thousands of gallons of wine. They must learn restraint and grape yield
much like the freed people’s of these cities must learn restraint in order to
stay afloat in this crazy wine world. Astapor
is also known for a fine red dust that seems to be everywhere, which should
remind us all of course of the Terra Rossa soil of Coonawarra. The Henschke Hill of Grace is no doubt prized
by the Good Masters and there’s probably a bottle of Grange being downed at the
tops of every pyramid. But also, you
must know that Yellowtail sells like banana’s at every concession stand down at
the Fighting Pits. Have you come to see
a girl take on a bull? Or to bet on
which child covered in honey a bear will eat first? Well then, purchase a box seat and ask to see
the Treasury List. Ahh, Astapor, a
complicated place with amazing wines.
Yunkai =
China
Okay I
know this might seem confusing, but look, one of these cities has to be
China. We can’t just ignore the wine
elephant in the room. Do you remember
way back to some of our original podcasts?
We did one on China. Why? Oh maybe because it’s all the way up to
Number 6 in the world. You can’t just
ignore that. Yunkai is on the Eastern
Coast of Slaver’s Bay, which at least helps us satisfy that geographical
element. Plus, the culture of Yunkai is
very Middle East meets Far East. The
Masters there are called the Wise Masters, which, once again, sounds pretty
Chinese to us. How many wise masters
from China have we seen in movies, TV shows, and books? Tell me you don’t think of Kill Bill’s Pai
Mei when you hear the phrase Wise Master?
You know there’s some vigneron at Great Wall or Grace (Chinese wineries)
using the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to trim their vines. In Yunkai, you could call it, “The Way of the
Seven Sighs”, although we think that might actually have something to do with
sex…but isn’t wine really all about sex in the end, anyway?
Mereen = New Zealand
The last
of the three great cities of Slaver’s Bay will take the form of New Zealand on
our wine map. If the Age of Valyria saw
the great Valyrian Freehold span the continent, then our once great British
Empire might stand in for Valyria itself, but perhaps it would make even more
sense to think of Valyria as the Roman Empire, which would explain how
winegrowing spread all over Essos before eventually being stopped by a dude
with some dragons or, ya know, lions…whichever national flag mascot you adhere
to best. Look, my metaphors are really
becoming muddled here, so I really just need you to understand what I’m saying
without me having to explain myself fully.
Meereen, much like New Zealand, is once again, coastal, and you just get
the feeling that after a long day of night-killings, the Sons of the Harpy like
to relax with a crisp Sauvignon Blanc.
If you’ve seen the masks worn by the Sons of the Harpy and the facial
tattoos of some of the greatest Maori warriors, you’ll understand why they get
so intense during some of those hakas.
If a foreign lady with dragons took your city over and changed your
economic structure (Queen Victoria anybody?
Seriously, she even named everything after herself), you’d get Central
Otago drunk and dance-shout too.
Qarth =
Uhh…Tasmania?
I’ll be
honest, I’m running out of places. So
let’s just say that Xaro Xhoan Daxos is uhh, Kreglinger and Pyat Pree is umm,
oh, Sue Bell I guess. Look, we’re
running out of regions that will actually correlate here people. Tasmania is Qarth and they’re protected by
the red waste which I guess is, let’s say that stretch of land that protects
them from the Dothraki of Victoria?
Yeah? I’m happy with that.
Characters
of Note:
Daenerys
Targaryen = Helen Turley
There are
many women who could take up the mantle of the mother of dragons…but her babies
burn brighter than all the rest. Check
out some of her dragons: Marcassin,
Bryant, Colgin…the list goes on.
John Snow
= Christian Moueix
It would
be tempting to say that Snow would be some flying winemaker from
Batard-Montrachet, or to cast him as some rebellious new world winemaker…but we
need someone with a Targyaren connection, and Moueix, while making one of the
most famous wines in the world, still receives no Napoleonic credit for
this. He’s building a wine army though,
and remember, he’s got allies he doesn’t even know about yet over in Essos (the
new world), though currently they’re sailing for Europe (Westeros)…perhaps his
Dominus Estate, which as you know he started with original Valyrian rootstock,
will play a big part in supplying a defense against the Whitewalkers of
phylloxera.
Ned Stark
= Ernst Loosen
Tyrion
Lannister = Robert Mondavi
Catlyn
Stark =
Jancis Robinson
Ellaria
Sand = Laura Catena
Stannis
Baratheon = Jean-Rémy Moët
The
Various unassigned Stark and Targaryen
Extended Family = The Various Mondavi/Rothschild extended family
Podrick
Payne = My boy Anthony Mueller up in Napa, Shoutout boyeee! Congrats on the Advanced ya heard!?
Ygritte =
Kay Simon
Brienne
of Tarth = Heidi Barrett
Bran
Stark = Wine Futures
Tormund
Giantsbane = Jackson-Triggs
Theon
Greyjoy = Beaujolais Nouveau
Ramsay
Bolton = That Sommelier Who Made That Wine List That Doesn’t Tell You The
Grapes, the Color, the Price, Or Any Information Beyond Some Random Artwork
They Used To Describe The Wines Themselves.
Jorah
Mormont = Paul Hobbs
Elio
Altare = Syrio Forel (I just really think they’re the same person).
Grey Worm
= Grey Rot
Benjen
Stark = Carménère! (You’re Alive?!?!)
House
Tully of Riverrun = The Cider Producers of Normandy
Daario
Naharis = Chateau D’Yquem (seriously though, ya know how people call D’Yquem
“Liquid Sex”. Well, check out Daario
when you get a chance. Hot damn. D’Yquem and Daario are both WOKE BAES.)
The High
Septon = Robert M. Parker, Jr.
Grand
Maester Pycelle = Tom Stevenson
Lord
Varys = Michael Broadbent
The Red
Wedding = The 1976 Judgment of Paris
Davos
Seaworth = Paul Draper
Jaime
Lannister = Michel Rolland
Maester
Aemon = Émile Peynaud
Petyr
Baelish = Hardy Rodenstock
Dragonglass
= Riedel Glassware (Powerful, and yet, so fragile)
Shae =
Ben Draper, Wine for Sophisticated Homies
Master
Qyburn = Enologix
So that
just about covers it. If you found any
mistakes, please, let us know, it’s very important that we get this right. If you have any additions, go ahead and leave
them in the comment box for our consideration.
If you have any subtractions, I think now you’re just doing math.
On a final note, for those of you
who work in high-end, fine-dining restaurants, I’ve got some advice. If you ever feel intimidated or stressed or
unable to face the three-piece suits and metal credit cards of high-end
conventions and business dinners…if you ever lack confidence in the face of a
great battle or under siege…if you ever falter at the gates…just hum the Game
of Thrones theme song in your mind. That
song has helped me sell a lot of bottles from our Cult/Reserve section. In other words—Be the Bastard. Let your house flags fly from the parapets
you sexy mother-fucking sommelier you.
In the Game of Wines…there can only
be one person sitting on that giant throne made out of wine keys.
Will it
be you?
